Yesterday… yesterday way weird… I cried all day at work, no one cared which I’m used to.. but when I came back from my break it was like a flip of a switch and I dissociated and from like 7:30pm to 12:30am I was not me… thinking about then it didnt feel like it was me, its like everything was cloudy… Idk how to describe it… a couple years ago I used to dissociate a lot when working the graveyard shift and I’ve done it a few times between but its never been this bad.. Like… I told my boyfriend to hide the tylenol I was so out of it and in a depressive suicidal episode where I felt like my life was unraveling before my eyes… I think it might be time to go back to the doctor, even to just get diagnosed, to understand better what the fuck is wrong with my brain because the longer I let this continue the more fucked I am going to be in the long run and I dont want my mental health to affect mine and my boyfriends future together. He has BPD and hes always reminding me that he understands and that things will get better and that I am not my mental illness but Im scared that he’ll get annoyed of my shit and get annoyed how fucked my brain is and I keep trying to fix myself but without knowing whats wrong.. theres nothing I can do..
I dont know what I’m doing in life… I know I havent posted in a while and its because things in my life got fucked, my mental health has been all over the place and in the last couple years I’ve been dissociating like crazy…. My boyfriend and I will be celebrating 2 year in January which I am so unbelievably excited for, this is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in… This morning he told me he wanted to be a cop (hes been watching a lot of Live PD videos as of late) which for any other person would be fine, theyd be supportive and happy… On the outside I’m supportive and happy for him but on the inside Im having a panic attack and trying not to cry. I know it must sound absolutely pathetic… I have the worst anxiety of cops… Growing up my sister had gotten in trouble with police a lot when she was a teen so we had cops around our house all the time, and then my brother dad killed his wife so there were more cops and lots of court dates and custody issues and as we got older my sister almost had her child taken away because her past, and I’ve been yelled at several times by cops for vaping outside my work… and then I see all these reports of police brutality coming out of the states and I know I live in canada and cops arent like that here… for the most part.. But Ive never had good experiences with them… Whenever cops come into my work I flee to the back because of my anxiety… I dont know whats wrong with me… Maybe I’m just thinking too much about it… I dont want to have this anxiety, I want to support my boyfriend without feeling scared or anxious or feeling like my stomach got ripped out of me… I have no reason to fear them, I dont do illegal things anymore… Weed is legal and my boyfriend and I dont have sex so I’m not having sex outside abandoned schools anymore… But theres something everytime I walk past a cop or go into city hall or just try and live my day to day life that feels like theyre watching me, or trying to target me for something I havent done which could just be paranoia caused by my anxiety… I cant talk to him because if I tell him how I feel he wont pursue the career he wants… and I dont have friends… so instead I come to tumblr to vent because no one sees my posts or know I exist… Its easier venting when theres no one on the otherside to tell you to stop being a “snowflake” or to tell you to just get over it like mental illness is that easy… Im sorry to anyone who does read this because I know Im pathetic for feel this instead of fully supporting the man I love.. I know I’m a piece of shit… but I dont know how to not feel this way… If he said he wanted to be in the military Id probably join him.. I know a lot of guys in the US military and theyre all so nice and I get along with them really well… but cops arent military… Idk know whats wrong with me
I seem to always come here when I get bad… I relapsed again… it seems to be an on going thing.. I’ll be good for a year or so and then I relapse and hit the fan hard… I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m hurting but I can tell anyone, but I wish I was dead… I’ve never been so done with life
